Unfortunately, I have to hire a new bartender.  As much as I love my beloved M, the time has come for her to fly in some new directions.  She’s been with me for three years and even though I know she is irreplaceable, I still have to replace her.  The problem is, with whom?  I haven’t hired a bartender in years so I decided to streamline the process by interviewing them first online.  It was absolutely brilliant and I learned a ton in a very short amount of time at my convenience.   Below are my favorite answers and also the explanation of why I haven’t made a hire yet.  All the answers are exactly as I received them, including the spelling errors.  I hope you get as much enjoyment from this as I did.

2.  What is the difference between a fermented or brewed beverage and a distilled spirit?

Well fermenting involves using yeast. You ferment wine and beer to get the proper alcohol content and distilling is the process of going a little further in the fermenting procees.

Actually distilling is not the process of going a little bit further in the fermenting procees (sic).  It is the process of removing water from an alcoholic beverage.

3.  What differentiates vodka from gin from whiskey from tequila from rum from scotch?

Vodka and Gin are pretty much the same actually. Gin starts out as vodka and then it is distilled again and they add juniper berries and other ingredients which make Vodka, Gin. Whisky is different because of the charcoal distilling it goes through. Tequila is different because it is made with Agave. Its either Blanco or Anejo depending on how long it is distilled.

Whiskey is not different because of charcoal, it is different because of the mash.  Tequila is not blanco or anejo because of how long it was distilled, it is blanco if it has been aged in steel casks and it is anejo if has been aged one to three years in oak casks.

4.  What is the difference between whiskey and bourbon?  The difference between blended Scotch and single-malt?

Well this is a good question. Whiskey is usually made overseas with grain while bourbon is made her in the U.S. with corn.

Well, this is a shitty answer.  Whiskey is made right here in the good old U.S.A., a matter of fact bourbon is whiskey.  Bourbon has to be made from 51% corn mash and must be aged two years in charred oak barrels.  98% percent of bourbon comes from Bourbon County, Kentucky.  But that isn’t a requirement of bourbon.

3.  What differentiates vodka from gin from whiskey from tequila from rum from scotch?

The difference is what fermented alcohol is distilled to create each flavor.  Vodka is fermented from wheat primarily but also potato and corn.  Gin is rye flovored with juniper berries, whiskey corn, rye, and barley blends, tequila the maquey plant, rum molasses and sugar cane, scotch barley.

The maquey plant?  This isn’t entirely wrong but it’s not really right either.  The maquey plant is used to make a fermented beverage in Mexico called Pulque.  The blue agave is a type of maquey plant, but no one ever says that tequila is made from the maquey plant but rather the blue agave.

4.  What is the difference between whiskey and bourbon?  The difference between blended Scotch and single-malt?

All bourbons must come out of Bourbon County Kentucky, other than that there is no difference, they both a rye corn blend.

This isn’t true.

1.  Tell me about the restaurants you’ve worked in.  Where were they?  What do they look like?  What type of food and spirit do they sell?  What is the level of service?  How busy were they?

Most of my restaurant experience has been cooperate.

I do believe that cooperate is still a verb and not an adjective.

9.  Have you been to the Blacksmith during dinner hours?  Have you been to the Blacksmith on Friday or Saturday late night?

Unfortunately, I have never been to the Blackhorse.

I don’t even know what to say to this.

3.  What differentiates vodka from gin from whiskey from tequila from rum from scotch?

Tequila - a drink famous in Mexico, is distilled from fermented juice of the maguey plant. This also It all depends on what kind of Tequila you like from José to Patron just the person tastes. Patron for me please.

I like the drink order at the end of the answer.

4.  What is the difference between whiskey and bourbon?  The difference between blended Scotch and single-malt?

Whiskey which is also spelled whisky in Canada and Scotland is produced from fermented grain and aged in wood. Whiskey is manufactured in a place called distillery using a processing called fractional Dewarts is whiskey that is made of corn.

Wow, the amazing thing about this answer is that it was clearly copied and pasted from a website and she still got it wrong.  I like the part about whiskey being manufactured in a place called a distillery (no shit) and I assume that she is actually referencing Dewar’s, which is a blended Scotch whisky and has no corn in it.

Single malt whisky has been produced in and associated with Scotland for more than five hundred years. It has long since been thought of as the country’s national drink and its fibres are intricately woven

Ah, and now she spells fibers like a Brit.

2.  What is the difference between a fermented or brewed beverage and a distilled spirit?

Brewed is like coffee or tea.

Buzzzzzzz.  You’re wrong.

2.  What is the difference between a fermented or brewed beverage and a
distilled spirit?

The major difference is that distillation is a much slower process of extraction or creation of alcohol.  Distillation is more at drops at a time.

Yes, you didn’t know the quicker it drips the higher the proof!

5. What’s the most you’ve ever sold by yourself behind the bar? What’s the most you’ve ever sold as a team behind the bar and how many
other bartenders were you working with?

I’ve only worked by myself and I’ve often sold $4,000 a night.

Impossible.

This was a side note by an applicant who I believe is almost illiterate.

I will say that I didn’t know all the difference about some of the alcohol so I did do some research that is what I came up with though I do know the difference between all of them if I was going to serve them if you would ask me in the bar the difference and tell you what is in them I would fail but now I know and I want to thank you for the interview though I will probably didn’t do this right I want say thanks for expanding my knowledge about the difference between all the different drinks it was interesting to know.

There is no doubt that I have never felt as much pressure to do anything as I’ve felt about joining facebook. Relentlessly my friends bargained offering me favors and treats to join but it was only after three days of water boarding that I finally surrendered. Of course, once you are part of this cult you feel the innate need to get others to join. Thought we were going to have a great debate about health care – I’d turn it into why you should join facebook. Thought it would be fun to play a board game, I’d spend the whole time telling you why it was better to play virtually on facebook.

The sad thing is, I didn’t have a relationship with my “friends” on facebook, I had a compulsive affair with facebook itself. I didn’t suddenly reconnect with the snob that carved bitch in my 8th grade locker but it didn’t stop me from spending 40 minutes looking at photos of her five kids and mullet-head boyfriend. Instead of actually reading books, now I was spending hours making lists about books I’d like to read. Instead of having a beer with a real live friend now I was sending my friends jpegs of cocktails. And what an easy addiction to have, can’t smoke cigarettes in public anymore – but you can have facebook at home, at work, and on your phone (in fact I can’t figure out how to remove the factory installed ap from my blackberry!)

And like any addict should, I quit. And it wasn’t easy – I cried, I shook, and I screamed with dry heaves and cold sweats. But I got through it and now I’ve been over 60 days clean. But I won’t lie to you as every day is a challenge. I am tempted by baby photos and people’s vacation videos but I know that I have to stay away as once an addict, always an addict.

Berry-ly friends
1 ounce fresh lemon juice
1 ounce mint syrup
1 ounce strawberry puree
4 ounces sparkling wine