Halloween is no doubt the best American holiday. It is impossible to explainto anyone of our passion to wear panties in public with little ears over our eyebrows and platform high-heeled shoes on what is typically the first snowy night of the year. Children love it as it means costumes, parties, and of course plenty of free candy. Adults love it because it means getting to escape who they really are, drink until they are silly, and hide behind a sexier more tawdry version of themselves. Nothing is sacred on Halloween night, even Big Bird has been turned into a trampy female transvestite for the sake of having the snarky outfit of the evening.

But something magical happens when the bar is only lit by jack-o-lanterns, pirate booty coins are spraying down from above, and a nine-foot werewolf is dancing with an exotic pulsating pink-glowing jellyfish. The crowd begins moving as one and energy is transcended from one Teletubby to another. It is a night when Sarah Palin slips Barack Obama the tongue and Flo The Progressive Insurance Girl gets felt up by The Gecko.

Time stops and all one can feel is the reverb of bass resonating through their soul. It is a small escape from their unpaid property tax bills and all the other woes and ills that go along with having to face life without a mask on.

Divine Delusion

“Eye of newt, and toe of frog,
Wool of bat, and tongue of dog,
Adder’s fork, and blind-worm’s sting,
Lizard’s leg, and howlet’s wing,”

Add ice, stir, and just make sure to put it in a really pretty glass.

After a recent viewing of a Taco Bell commercial where beautiful young women put Taco Bell Bacon Chalupa Clubs in their handbags to bait men, I could not help but wonder what is it with these guys in Taco Bell Town that aren’t attracted to Perfect 10 bodies, flowing silky hair, and gorgeous faces but rather to stale cured pork belly. But even more I wondered – what is in these gigantic handbags that flood the bar each weekend? For the most part – all one needs is an ID and a credit card, two small items that will fit snugly in a myriad of places: a pocket, the side of a bra, or inside one’s shoe. Most of these handbags are large enough to house a bowling ball, a Chihuahua, and a copy of Ken Follet’s Pillars of the Earth.

So what is in these bags? My x-ray vision unfortunately comes and goes, but since it seems to only come tacked between the dream where the restaurant is going down in flames and one guy just wants some ketchup and the other dream where I show up to work naked – I decided it would just be easier to ask. Surprisingly, most women didn’t know what they were toting around. But once they started digging, the goods got ever interesting: beef jerky, men’s cotton underwear, rolling papers, a stapler, staples, a screwdriver, hot sauce, a hair straightener, numerous eye lash curlers, parking tickets, every size and shape of tampon imaginable, books, condoms, hand sanitizer, and in one case – another purse.

In a world where summer shorts barely cover the buttocks and summer tank tops allow for plenty of cleavage – it is the one last secret of the girl. And for that, I’d like to cheers the little black bag of, “It’s really none of your business.”

Bacon Bloody Mary

2 ounces of bacon-infused vodka
4 ounces of your favorite bloody mix

- Columbine Quillen
I am a mixologist bartender and this is my blog.

One class that should be mandatory at all state colleges (except perhaps for the University of Utah) is bar etiquette. Unfortunately, the colleges haven’t figured out what a lucrative and popular class this would be as everyone would thoroughly enjoy their homework. As there is not such a class, might I just offer a quick lesson.

You have been cut off

DO NOT proceed to flip the bartender off, grab your ball sack, and say something nasty about the doorman’s mother.
DO apologize for your drunkenness and ask for a cab home.

Your credit card declines

DO NOT proceed to start a tirade about how the restaurants computer systems don’t work and that you know that Bank of America is conspiring against you.
DO discreetly find another form of payment.

You have lost your cell phone

DO NOT proceed to tell everyone that the owner of the restaurant has a black market in used cell phones and that you KNEW this was going to happen
DO ask if you can fill out a lost and found form and put a number on it that isn’t your cell phone number

These are just some quick lessons in making your bar experience all the more enjoyable – and isn’t that what it’s all about.

Fresh Etiquette

1 ounce pureed cucumber
2 ounces of fresh squeezed lime
2 ounces of simple syrup
2 ounces of Square One Cucumber Vodka

Shake until chilled and strain.  Serve with a cucumber garnish.

I was recently out at a bar, which is a rare occasion, as I don’t often go to what I consider the flip side.  There is a reason for that, and it’s typically because I feel like I am working without getting paid.  Most recently, I was enjoying an evening out with a close friend which was a great pleasure as I hadn’t been out at a bar in many months.  As I perused the back bar to decide what I was in the mood for and chat with a close bartender friend that I rarely see – a young punk leaned into me and said, “You kicked me out the bar once and I wasn’t even doing nothing.”  Which reminded me exactly why we do kick people out of the bar.

Most likely if you’ve been kicked out the bar, you’ve been doing nothing.  We certainly don’t like to kick out people who are picking fights, overly intoxicated, or otherwise rude, belligerent, obnoxious, sexist, graceless, uncivilized, vulgar, boorish, or surly.  We try instead to find a nice couple minding their own business, enjoying intellectual chitchat while they toss back a couple of Grey Goose Martinis.  We the bartenders typically look to see who is doing the most nothing to kick out.  Reading a thick Russian novel and completely minding your own business or just trying to get a glass of Chardonnay with your best friend from childhood – well too bad sister because you’re probably going to get kicked out of the bar for doing nothing.  It would seem that a better use of our doormen would be to bounce people who try to light a cigarette inside, try to walk out on their tab, or try to punch the guy next to them.  But just as my bar buddy said, we don’t kick people out for any of those things – we only kick out the people who are doing nothing.   So to all of you who I’ve kicked out for doing nothing – well I would apologize but as you can see, a rule’s a rule.  So much for doing nothing.

Rules Rulz

1 glass of nothing

Jason Evers – Who is he?

This past end of 2009, the local rag asked me to write the Top 10 reasons we’re glad Jason Evers is gone. For those of you who don’t much about Jason Evers – here’s some insight.
First, you need to know about the OLCC, which is the Oregon Liquor Control Commission, a sort of Gestapo of policing liquor consumption in the state of Oregon. They hand out sanctions according to a 500-page rulebook, most of it written right after prohibition. If you spend much time reading the book, you find that many of the rules are non- sensical and contradict other laws in the book. For the most part, the OLCC inspectors make sure that you aren’t over serving or serving people under age, until Jason Evers came onto the scene. He would camp out in your bar with his OLCC inspectors and start issuing citations for the most bizarre things. Dealing with the OLCC is difficult – as there is not court. If they’ve deemed you should be fined or shut down, for the most part there is little you can do. The best call is to find a very sly lawyer who is willing to fight back on constitutional law or a case of slander.
Last year, the bars and restaurants in Bend were under siege. Evers was doling out fines like they were candy at a Fourth of July parade. Everyone in the restaurant business was perpetually afraid for their lively hood, for at any moment Evers could be at your door trying to close you down for some tiny violation or no violation at all. Finally, enough was enough and the restaurant and bar owners banded together behind a local city council women and the governor of Oregon and they had a formal investigation where they decided that Evers was out of his jurisdiction. He was moved to another OLCC office (where he was promoted!?!?!?!?!?!).
Bend’s been a much happier place since then! So it was only fascinating a couple of days ago when it appeared in the local newspaper that Jason Evers is in jail in Idaho with no bond. It turns out that Jason Evers isn’t Jason Evers – no one knows who he is. He applied for a passport and when they ran the social security number it turns out that his identification had been stolen from a three-year old murder victim from Ohio. You can read the full story here.

Jason Evers – who is he?

Anyhow, I thought it would be a good time to reprint the top ten Top 10 reasons we’re glad Jason Evers is gone.

The Top 10 Reasons We’re Glad Jason Evers is Gone!!!!

10

The servers of Bend can sleep free of nightmares that the OLCC will kidnap and torture them because they forgot to bring their server permit to work

9

Astro Lounge will be open year round

8

The amphitheatre will rage with big shows once again

7

Bend’s restaurants have a better chance of wading out the recession without having to pay fines or lawyer fees on trivial or false allegations

6

Bar managers can stop spending sleepless nights scouring the 500-page OLCC legal code to ensure they know the law better than the “law” knows it

5

Restaurateurs can be relieved that their liquor license no longer changes on a random rotating weekly basis

4

We can work with the OLCC instead of being afraid of it

3

Bend is just a much happier place without him

2

estaurant workers can go back to gossiping about each other rather than having one common enemy

1

Parents can dine with their children again even if there is a bar stool in their peripheral vision

And the new number one –

We’re not glad the real Jason Evers is gone. It is a sad story of a baby being murdered. But whoever this sick shit is that has pretended to be Jason Evers for the past decade – well good riddance. Might you enjoy being dicked around in prison as much as you enjoyed dicking the city of Bend’s bars around for the past couple of years.

There is a slow degradation of society happening that is often head through assertions that today’s youngsters (as in 21, but barely so) are less healthy and less educated than preceding generations. But there is another measurement that should be taken into account and that is their drinking habits.

There is a certain downward spiral that has been happening for the past 60 years. Our grandparents drank brandy from snifters and threw their heads back in laughter while sharing a Tom Collins. They learned how to dance the twist, the jitterbug, and the cha cha. They spent money on dry-cleaning their three-piece suits and stiff dresses to go out and enjoy themselves.

Even our hippie parents wore bell-bottomed jeans, leather boots and butterfly collars and spent time learning some disco moves. And although there was a decline in the drink culture resulting in canned beer and boxed wine, the Harvey Wallbanger with an exotic Italian herbal liqueur became haute couture.

Today’s male bar clientele wear their pants so low that everyone around them is privy to their underpants (and they don’t even wear underwear with interesting prints or fascinating fabric). They wear sunglasses at night. They complete their outfit with baseball caps with the tags still on them and instead of dress shoes they choose footwear more befitting an afternoon tag football game. They order with the contraction “k’geta” without the simple pleasantries of “please’ and “thank you.” None of them have bothered to learn any dance moves and rather think that a three-way dry hump is the way to impress their friends. They drink cheap vodka mixed with artificial sweeteners and inexpensive rum dropped into heavily marketed energy drinks.

As the nation puts more resources into improving our schools and bolstering better lifestyle choices, might we encourage the weekend bar patron to pull up one’s pants, try a Manhattan and use complete sentence? Upon these changes, there is no doubt that America’s potential would skyrocket and we could once again pride ourselves in each generation outliving and out earning those before it.

The Manhattan

.5 ounce of Dolin’s Sweet Vermouth

3.5 ounces of Jefferson Reserve Bourbon

4 splashes Angostura Bitters

Shake with ice and serve up

There are those who go to the bar to make a match.  Typically the man will spout witty one-liners and buy his love interest fancy cocktails while she smiles and coos while twirling her hair.  It is sweet and innocent and endearing to see two people connect -even when they are their most awkward.

But on rare occasion there is a train wreck happening on the other side of the bar, so horrendous that you are afraid to watch – but you do to ensure the safety of those involved.  It is the ménage à trois.  A troubling bout of human ingenuity typically involving one douche bag of a man and two writhing women who need more attention than a newborn baby.  It never fails that the beginning of their evening will be spent laughing and having a jolly time, but as the witching hour approaches to that daunting moment to where they all take off their clothes and hang out together in one queen-sized bed, the tension thickens. It is at this point that the barbaric sexual innuendos cause each person’s insecurities to fume into outbursts of emotion that are unscrupulous and embarrassing.

At the point when you have publicly announced to the world that you are going home with two people, there really isn’t anything that you consider poor behavior. Taking turns making out will pursue, titties will be exposed, and little moans and grunts will be exhaled.  It is only when the bartender tells you that the corner freak show needs to stop and find a new home that the magic ends and the realization that you hate for one person to see you stretch marks occurs – but now you’ve committed yourself to two.

Ménage à Trois

1 oz fresh lime

1 oz ginger syrup

1.5 oz Hangar One Kaffir Lime Vodka

.5 oz Hypnotic

Unfortunately, I have to hire a new bartender.  As much as I love my beloved M, the time has come for her to fly in some new directions.  She’s been with me for three years and even though I know she is irreplaceable, I still have to replace her.  The problem is, with whom?  I haven’t hired a bartender in years so I decided to streamline the process by interviewing them first online.  It was absolutely brilliant and I learned a ton in a very short amount of time at my convenience.   Below are my favorite answers and also the explanation of why I haven’t made a hire yet.  All the answers are exactly as I received them, including the spelling errors.  I hope you get as much enjoyment from this as I did.

2.  What is the difference between a fermented or brewed beverage and a distilled spirit?

Well fermenting involves using yeast. You ferment wine and beer to get the proper alcohol content and distilling is the process of going a little further in the fermenting procees.

Actually distilling is not the process of going a little bit further in the fermenting procees (sic).  It is the process of removing water from an alcoholic beverage.

3.  What differentiates vodka from gin from whiskey from tequila from rum from scotch?

Vodka and Gin are pretty much the same actually. Gin starts out as vodka and then it is distilled again and they add juniper berries and other ingredients which make Vodka, Gin. Whisky is different because of the charcoal distilling it goes through. Tequila is different because it is made with Agave. Its either Blanco or Anejo depending on how long it is distilled.

Whiskey is not different because of charcoal, it is different because of the mash.  Tequila is not blanco or anejo because of how long it was distilled, it is blanco if it has been aged in steel casks and it is anejo if has been aged one to three years in oak casks.

4.  What is the difference between whiskey and bourbon?  The difference between blended Scotch and single-malt?

Well this is a good question. Whiskey is usually made overseas with grain while bourbon is made her in the U.S. with corn.

Well, this is a shitty answer.  Whiskey is made right here in the good old U.S.A., a matter of fact bourbon is whiskey.  Bourbon has to be made from 51% corn mash and must be aged two years in charred oak barrels.  98% percent of bourbon comes from Bourbon County, Kentucky.  But that isn’t a requirement of bourbon.

3.  What differentiates vodka from gin from whiskey from tequila from rum from scotch?

The difference is what fermented alcohol is distilled to create each flavor.  Vodka is fermented from wheat primarily but also potato and corn.  Gin is rye flovored with juniper berries, whiskey corn, rye, and barley blends, tequila the maquey plant, rum molasses and sugar cane, scotch barley.

The maquey plant?  This isn’t entirely wrong but it’s not really right either.  The maquey plant is used to make a fermented beverage in Mexico called Pulque.  The blue agave is a type of maquey plant, but no one ever says that tequila is made from the maquey plant but rather the blue agave.

4.  What is the difference between whiskey and bourbon?  The difference between blended Scotch and single-malt?

All bourbons must come out of Bourbon County Kentucky, other than that there is no difference, they both a rye corn blend.

This isn’t true.

1.  Tell me about the restaurants you’ve worked in.  Where were they?  What do they look like?  What type of food and spirit do they sell?  What is the level of service?  How busy were they?

Most of my restaurant experience has been cooperate.

I do believe that cooperate is still a verb and not an adjective.

9.  Have you been to the Blacksmith during dinner hours?  Have you been to the Blacksmith on Friday or Saturday late night?

Unfortunately, I have never been to the Blackhorse.

I don’t even know what to say to this.

3.  What differentiates vodka from gin from whiskey from tequila from rum from scotch?

Tequila - a drink famous in Mexico, is distilled from fermented juice of the maguey plant. This also It all depends on what kind of Tequila you like from José to Patron just the person tastes. Patron for me please.

I like the drink order at the end of the answer.

4.  What is the difference between whiskey and bourbon?  The difference between blended Scotch and single-malt?

Whiskey which is also spelled whisky in Canada and Scotland is produced from fermented grain and aged in wood. Whiskey is manufactured in a place called distillery using a processing called fractional Dewarts is whiskey that is made of corn.

Wow, the amazing thing about this answer is that it was clearly copied and pasted from a website and she still got it wrong.  I like the part about whiskey being manufactured in a place called a distillery (no shit) and I assume that she is actually referencing Dewar’s, which is a blended Scotch whisky and has no corn in it.

Single malt whisky has been produced in and associated with Scotland for more than five hundred years. It has long since been thought of as the country’s national drink and its fibres are intricately woven

Ah, and now she spells fibers like a Brit.

2.  What is the difference between a fermented or brewed beverage and a distilled spirit?

Brewed is like coffee or tea.

Buzzzzzzz.  You’re wrong.

2.  What is the difference between a fermented or brewed beverage and a
distilled spirit?

The major difference is that distillation is a much slower process of extraction or creation of alcohol.  Distillation is more at drops at a time.

Yes, you didn’t know the quicker it drips the higher the proof!

5. What’s the most you’ve ever sold by yourself behind the bar? What’s the most you’ve ever sold as a team behind the bar and how many
other bartenders were you working with?

I’ve only worked by myself and I’ve often sold $4,000 a night.

Impossible.

This was a side note by an applicant who I believe is almost illiterate.

I will say that I didn’t know all the difference about some of the alcohol so I did do some research that is what I came up with though I do know the difference between all of them if I was going to serve them if you would ask me in the bar the difference and tell you what is in them I would fail but now I know and I want to thank you for the interview though I will probably didn’t do this right I want say thanks for expanding my knowledge about the difference between all the different drinks it was interesting to know.

There are some things that are never o.k., for example spitting on the floor in a public place. I make reference to the gentleman on Saturday night who convincingly hucked a huge loogie high into the air so that it landed in a slimy spat in the middle of the bar area. Instantaneously, I told him that he had to leave and when I came round to show him the way out he replied, “I’m not drunk! I haven’t even been drinking.” Which is unfortunate because then he would have an excuse for his absolutely insolent behavior.
This isn’t the first time I’ve had to kick someone out of the bar for spitting on the floor. The other time was many years ago when I had a guy from Oklahoma who kept expectorating on the floor for no apparent reason other than he clearly thought that our wood floor would be more pleasant with a good spit-shine. When I told him that if he hucked on the floor one more time he would have to leave he quickly proceed to spit again, as obviously he was accustomed to dribbling as he pleased much like a slobbering bulldog. On his way out he excused himself by stating he was from Oklahoma. Which don’t get me wrong, we all know that Oklahoma has more than its fair share of red necks and hicks, however I have never met another Oklahoman who thinks that it is o.k. to spit inside.
So in lieu of this beastly trend I’ve thought that perhaps we need a very quick Ms. Manners refresher. Ms. Manners states, “The fact is (and she hates to be the one to break the news to you) that spitting is not in the current lexicon of permissible public pleasures, except in rare areas that are especially consecrated to the purpose, such as old-fashioned porches among consenting cronies who are skilled enough to miss the porch railing and hit the ground.”
Point is, never spit inside.
The spitter
2 oz fresh squeezed lemon
2 oz hot water
2 oz honey
2.5 oz bourbon
Stir and add ice
As you drool smelling this delicious cocktail, allow your slobber to slowly drip into the drink as a frothy garnish.

One unfortunate side effect of alcohol is that normally calm and often times bland people will become uncharacteristically headstrong, violent, and/or maniacal. This weekend seemed to bring out the most unusual in people. On Saturday, two guys dropped by in good spirits, laughing and smiling as they both ordered a beer. About twenty minutes later we found one guy with the other one guy’s hands around his neck. They were just standing there perfectly calm, not talking in raised voices, not trying to punch or fight one another. When we asked if everything was o.k. the guy being strangled cordially replied no, as if we had asked him if he liked his coffee with cream and sugar.

On Friday, a girl I know who was always very quiet and reserved came in to release a bout of pent up energy. Usually, she doesn’t drink and just sits at the bar and has macaroni and cheese as she talks to her friends about things like what type of Kleenex is the softest or if you could really teach a cat to use a toilet. However, I came to find that one Pacifico can magically turn her into a gawky obscenity shouting Brittany Spears want-to-be. She spent the rest of the night showing off her amateur stripper moves which included her hanging her pinky barely out of her mouth the whole night and slapping her right ass cheek as she bent over and wiggled her butt like an overexcited puppy.

But what might just take the cake is when one of Bend’s most beautiful women who is always very put together and perfectly coifed decided on her way out the door to sucker punch our door man. And then as he was on the phone with the police and telling the general manager what had happened, she ran back to also sucker punch the GM. So if you are one of those people who turn from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde at even the whiff of a margarita, well then maybe drinking is just not for you.

Sucker Punch
Cut the top 1/4 off of a lime. Hollow it out with a grapefruit spoon. Fill with 1.5 ounces of tequila and .5 ounces of cointreau. Take the shot and squeeze the lime as you are drinking. Grab the fruit pulp and when your best friend isn’t looking, huck it in his face.