After a recent viewing of a Taco Bell commercial where beautiful young women put Taco Bell Bacon Chalupa Clubs in their handbags to bait men, I could not help but wonder what is it with these guys in Taco Bell Town that aren’t attracted to Perfect 10 bodies, flowing silky hair, and gorgeous faces but rather to stale cured pork belly. But even more I wondered – what is in these gigantic handbags that flood the bar each weekend? For the most part – all one needs is an ID and a credit card, two small items that will fit snugly in a myriad of places: a pocket, the side of a bra, or inside one’s shoe. Most of these handbags are large enough to house a bowling ball, a Chihuahua, and a copy of Ken Follet’s Pillars of the Earth.

So what is in these bags? My x-ray vision unfortunately comes and goes, but since it seems to only come tacked between the dream where the restaurant is going down in flames and one guy just wants some ketchup and the other dream where I show up to work naked – I decided it would just be easier to ask. Surprisingly, most women didn’t know what they were toting around. But once they started digging, the goods got ever interesting: beef jerky, men’s cotton underwear, rolling papers, a stapler, staples, a screwdriver, hot sauce, a hair straightener, numerous eye lash curlers, parking tickets, every size and shape of tampon imaginable, books, condoms, hand sanitizer, and in one case – another purse.

In a world where summer shorts barely cover the buttocks and summer tank tops allow for plenty of cleavage – it is the one last secret of the girl. And for that, I’d like to cheers the little black bag of, “It’s really none of your business.”

Bacon Bloody Mary

2 ounces of bacon-infused vodka
4 ounces of your favorite bloody mix

- Columbine Quillen
I am a mixologist bartender and this is my blog.

Anyone who’s spent any time working in a restaurant, from busser to GM, knows what a cesspool of drug and alcohol use it can be – so hand it to the New York Times to put a more desirable spin on the topic.  Kind of a fun article about the influence of marijuana on gastronomy.

Marijuana Fuels a New Kitchen Culture

My favorite part had to be this savory little paragraph:

“The cereal milk soft-serve ice cream at Momofuku Milk Bar in Manhattan is a perfect example. A dessert based on the slightly sweet flavor of milk at the bottom of a cereal bowl particularly appeals to someone who knows both high-quality food and the cannabis-induced pleasure of a munchie session built from a late-night run to the 7-Eleven.”

As only a stoner would think that the milk at the bottom of a cereal bowl constitutes ‘ high-quality food’ or should it be HIGH-quality food?

One unfortunate side effect of alcohol is that normally calm and often times bland people will become uncharacteristically headstrong, violent, and/or maniacal. This weekend seemed to bring out the most unusual in people. On Saturday, two guys dropped by in good spirits, laughing and smiling as they both ordered a beer. About twenty minutes later we found one guy with the other one guy’s hands around his neck. They were just standing there perfectly calm, not talking in raised voices, not trying to punch or fight one another. When we asked if everything was o.k. the guy being strangled cordially replied no, as if we had asked him if he liked his coffee with cream and sugar.

On Friday, a girl I know who was always very quiet and reserved came in to release a bout of pent up energy. Usually, she doesn’t drink and just sits at the bar and has macaroni and cheese as she talks to her friends about things like what type of Kleenex is the softest or if you could really teach a cat to use a toilet. However, I came to find that one Pacifico can magically turn her into a gawky obscenity shouting Brittany Spears want-to-be. She spent the rest of the night showing off her amateur stripper moves which included her hanging her pinky barely out of her mouth the whole night and slapping her right ass cheek as she bent over and wiggled her butt like an overexcited puppy.

But what might just take the cake is when one of Bend’s most beautiful women who is always very put together and perfectly coifed decided on her way out the door to sucker punch our door man. And then as he was on the phone with the police and telling the general manager what had happened, she ran back to also sucker punch the GM. So if you are one of those people who turn from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde at even the whiff of a margarita, well then maybe drinking is just not for you.

Sucker Punch
Cut the top 1/4 off of a lime. Hollow it out with a grapefruit spoon. Fill with 1.5 ounces of tequila and .5 ounces of cointreau. Take the shot and squeeze the lime as you are drinking. Grab the fruit pulp and when your best friend isn’t looking, huck it in his face.

As Obama sweeps the country with hope and transformation, might there also be change in what is perhaps the most obnoxious way that girls garner attention at the bar – the girl-on-girl make out session? Yes, we have all seen it. Some drunk girl notices that no men have lavished any attention on her so she grabs her best friend by the face and forces her tongue down the back of her throat. Her friend (no stranger to the game) sloppily kisses back never failing to run her hands through her friends hair and to let out some sort of I-once-watched-a-porno moan.
Don’t get me wrong, they want attention and it never fails. However, the girl-on-girl kiss is stale and old. With a metamorphosis in regime and hope to make the world a better place, might we move forward from this frat party charade to something more interesting or meaningful?
How about a spin on the girl-on-girl kiss where girls with tongue piercings wear highly magnetized tongue rings. It will be a real battle of tongue strength to see who can get their tongue untied while smooching. Some girls will have tongue rings with opposing magnets, so no matter how much they want to make out their tongues will be forced away from one another in a wicked display of willpower.
Or the girl can just get naked. Why involve anyone else when you can get all the attention yourself? Typically singing, dancing, or doing yoga while you are nude will add to the fun and assure that you get even more attention. Furthermore, no one will ever be confused if they should be interested in you or your friend – there is no doubt that everybody will be fascinated by you and no one else.
Last but not least, the girl can also read a book or magazine and conjure up some conversation with the guy she has a crush on. Perhaps the most difficult of the methods, but it assures the best results. Furthermore, you will be saved from being made the fool and the boy you like might actually call you the next day knowing that you are not a trampy whore when you happen to get a teeny bit drunk and want a little male attention.

The Tramp
1 oz cheap vodka
1 oz redbull

Add a dash of food coloring to color your shot to give it more personality.

Animal Planet doesn’t run nature shows on human mating rituals because they don’t want to be confused with Girls Gone Wild. As all bartenders know, courtship and mating rituals are among the most varied and fascinating of all human behaviors. The sequence and variety differ by age, but a few essentials are usually in place – cocktails, dim lighting, and music.

Most courtship takes place in the evening, starting with bathing and preening. The female of the species may spend hours working on her plumage and makeup. The male concentrates on shaving his facial hair into the desired effect to attract the right mate: clean shaven for the girl who cares about success and prosperity, a goatee for the woman who desires adventure, and no shaving to attract the female who prefers life in a Volkswagen bus. Aromatherapy is usually in play as well. The female douses herself with a bouquet of floral or fruity aromas, while the male is drawn toward woody or spicy scents.

Once a male and female attract each another, they move on to the mating dance. The female is usually dominant during this display. While the male awkwardly punches the air with his feet rooted in place, the female runs her hands through her hair; dances with her ass in the air; and juts her chest out. The more colorful the female’s display, the more interested the male becomes. He increases his movements until the two are rubbing against each other in synchronized rhythm.

If the female is unable to lure a male, she lowers her top or lifts her skirt, which usually solicits a mate. If the male is unable to lure a mate, he may try to fight an already-paired male in hopes of winning over his mate. However, aggression does not usually entice the female of the species, and males who resort to this method usually leave alone.

Once the mating dance is complete, the male and female advance to a nesting site and stay until morning.

The Mating
1 oz vodka
1 oz gin
1 oz lemon
1 oz lime
1.5 oz of simple syrup
Shake and serve up in a martini glass
Garnish the rim with heart shaped maraschino cherries